I wrote this, a GAJILLION months ago, but thanks to [livejournal.com profile] laceandgrace, I am posting!

Here goes...

Title: Scream and Blur
Fandom: Supernatural
Characters: Dean, Sam, (mentions of Jess, John & Mary), Implied Sam/Dean
Rating: Uhh, we'll go with PG-13. For minor swearing
Spoilers: We've all seen 'Pilot', right?
Disclaimer: This never happened, K? Dean and Sam belong to Kripke and Co.
Title/Lyrics from "You Could Be Happy"-Snow Patrol. However, I did take a few liberties.
Warning: There may or may not be some angsty!Dean in here.
Summary: Dean thinks about/remembers Sam leaving.
Feedback: Is love like WOAH.

Scream and Blur
At this moment, Dean didn’t know what Sam was doing.
It was a weird feeling, having spent 18 years in close quarters.
You could be happy,
And I won’t know

The day Sam left the family, left him, Dean had never seen him that happy. Not even when he had his first kiss, or when he dated Alandra Evans, who even Dean would’ve fucked.

But you were happy,
The day I,
Watched you go

Dean remembers the day Sam left like it was yesterday. He’d never yelled at Sam for anything before. Excluding the fights with dad, of course. Not even when a baseball Sam had thrown hit and broke the side mirror of the Impala.

And all the things I,
Wish I had not said

At night, before he goes to sleep, that’s all Dean thinks about. How angry he was. He does this for years after Sam leaves, driving himself almost crazy.

Are played in loops
Til it’s madness
In my head

He wants to call Sam. Tell him he needs him back. Can’t deal with dad alone. Wants to make him remember that 8th birthday; the only one dad ever spent with them, not on a hunt. Wants to make him remember the summer days when the 2 of them would spend hours at the carnival, forgetting about dad’s newest hunt for the day. Wants to make Sam forget the fights with dad that came once Sam started high school.

Is it too late to
Remind you
How we were?

Three days before he left, Sam told Dean he was going to Stanford. Dean tries to block out those memories. The ones where he ignores his brother, the ones where he threw things because Sam wasn’t there. The silence surrounds him like sirens.

And now our last days of silence
Scream and blur

After Sam left, Dean’s resolve vanished. He yelled at John far more than he ever had before. He refused to go on hunts with him, instead choosing to go by himself, wishing Sam was still there, the passenger seat, cold and empty, knowing the only thing that belongs there is Sam, not the cool night air rushing through. Sam was back now, though the memories still haunt Dean. He remembers her, Jess, pinned to the ceiling just like his mom, and he vaguely recalls the pain and anger he felt those 22 years ago. If he had stopped Sam, Jess would be alive. It’s all his fault. He knows this.

Most of what I remember
Makes me sure
I should’ve stopped you
From walking
Out the door

Dean knows, more than anything, Sam wanted to be a lawyer. That didn’t mean Dean wanted to watch him leave, because he felt as if he’d never share Sam’s joy again. He wishes Sam could go back there. That place of youthful innocence. Dean wasn’t one for talking, so they’d never talked about how Sam felt. Dean wishes, just for a moment, that Sam could forget that awful night.

You could be happy
I hope you are.

Sam made Dean happy. When he’d have a bad hunt or a bad day at school, Sam would somehow know it. Dean wouldn’t have to say anything. One hug, and Dean was fine, knowing hoping his brother would always be there for him, like he would be for Sam.

You made me happier
Than I’d been by far.

When Dean found out Sam was leaving, he’d taken one of his hoodies, and hid it in his duffel. He took it to remember the stolen glances, the brief touches, the ever-so-fleeting moments they were together, bare skin against fingertips. And no matter how many times he’d washed it, there was always a hint of something intrinsically Sam.

Somehow everything I own,
Smells of you

Dean recalls a dream he had many times the nights Sam was gone. Heavy in sleep, he’d looked over, noticing a lump and a body that had not been on the bed before. He’d realized the mop of brown hair, pulled the covers back, and Sam. Right after that, he’d awake. Just a dream, Dean.

And for the tiniest moment,
It’s all not true

Dean used to watch Sam from across streets, parking lots, and libraries while Sam was away. It had been the only way he knew how to keep Sam safe. Though, he’d even failed at that, by not keeping Jessica safe. He’d watched him walk into the jewelry store, somehow knowing it was the engagement ring he’d picked out for Jess. Without Dean and his father to hold him back, Sam wasn’t afraid to do what ever he’d wanted. He didn’t have to please anyone but himself.

Do the things that you always
Wanted to
Without me there to hold you back,
Don’t think,
Just do.

Dean was angry. Not at dad or Sam, but himself. The day they’d gotten back from Jericho, was supposed to be the night Sam proposed to her. Instead, she was pinned to the ceiling and burst into flames, bringing Sam’s world down with her. He wishes now he’d never gone. Sam would’ve had the normal “apple pie” life he’d always wanted. The successful job, the beautiful girl, the 2.5 kids and white picket fence in southern California. As much as Dean likes having Sam by his side, he wants that for Sam. Sam deserves it. He needs it. Though Dean’s not sure he means himself or Sam.

More than anything i want to see you go,
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world.



abrokensmile: (Default)

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